The other day, my company celebrated an event with (ironically)….. cupcakes. They were the ordinary kind, chocolate and vanilla with the opposite flavor frosting. They had little symbols on top that looked like pause buttons on a music player (probably something to do with the disease they were treating – again…. IRONIC…diabetes celebratory cupcake anyone?). In the breakroom, where we have a little microwave and a fridge, were a little box of these cupcakes. A gentleman was heating up his coffee and I said – “what are on these cupcakes? Pause buttons?”… And he said, without missing a beat – “For YOU they are”.
I was crushed. It brought me right back to grade school when the awful kids would yell “boom, baba, boom, baba” as I would get on the bus.
Here I am again – on the side of the fence I don’t like. In grade school until high school, I was teased incessantly about my weight. In high school, I went on the Slim Fast diet and quickly realized that if I skipped that “sensible meal” at the end of the day, the weight would come off faster…. AKA – Anorexia. And then, when that became too daunting and my body cried out for food, I gave it what it wanted. Only, I couldn’t let it KEEP the nourishment, no… that would make me gain weight. And the bulimia began.
You never really lose the disorder, but it DOES shape shift along the way. I thought that life was balanced and I felt whole for a really long time. I even took on the challenge of bodybuilding, thinking that I was on to bigger and better healthier pursuits. Do not take this the wrong way folks, I am NOT in a bad frame of mind, nor do I feel like I want to go back to old behaviors. In fact, the thought of doing those things simply exhausts me. But, I am sad and disappointed that I don’t feel good in my skin anymore. I am puffy and bloated. People look at me in sadness and disbelief – I can just hear it in their heads “wow – she really let herself go”.
It stops now. Right now. My body is back under healthy construction. I need to feel back in control.
Stay tuned. I have created a plan for myself and I want you to come along for the ride. Will you? I promise it will be one to remember.